MY THOUGHTS ON BEING SINGLE FOR A DECADE
My last boyfriend was in 2009. You got that right a decade ago. I have never been Facebook Official with a guy ever because I didn’t even have a Facebook the last time I had a committed, real boyfriend. Let that sink in for a second. The last time I had a boyfriend I didn’t have an Instagram, a Snapchat, or any dating apps. They literally did not exist.
Flash forward to the year 2019. A year when everything you could possibly desire is at your fingertips. We are living in this world, this time where we can have what we want, when we want it simply by picking up our iPhones. You want Taco Bell? Your laundry done? A massage without leaving your house? You need your makeup and nails done but don’t want to leave your house? You want a boyfriend? Someone to go out to dinner with? Someone to share photos with back and forth thru an app? Someone to have sex with? You want a job? Someone to feed your pets? You want to gamble? Communicate with someone across the world? Learn another language? Transfer money? Do simple math? The common theme with all of these things you could possibly need or want is that you can have them all right at your fingertips in an INSTANT. Pretty insane if you actually sit back and think about it. Back when I last had a boyfriend in 2009 none of that was possible.
You want to know what doesn’t happen in an instant? A relationship doesn’t happen in an instant. A relationship takes time, commitment, honesty, love, accountability, respect, support, trust, understanding, intimacy, compassion, thoughtfulness, laugher, and it takes something called communication.
I want to talk about my experience in this “dating world”, even though I can count on one hand how many dates I have gone on in the past 5 years. The few dates I went on made it pretty clear towards the end of the night that the end goal of the date was to be intimate. Actually I don’t like that word. Intimacy again I feel is something that takes time. Going on one date with someone doesn’t equal anything intimate whatsoever. They want to just hook up. But they want to seem like a gentleman so they take the time and effort to take me out. But let’s be clear they don’t want to take me out a second time. They want what they want and they want it NOW. They want it that night. And if they don’t get it… which none of them did they deleted my number, blocked my number, or never spoke to me ever again… this is what we call being ghosted.
Some people will suggest all of this is a geographical thing. But here is why I don’t believe that is true. In one part of the country I am being called a chunky monkey by a guy who just finished kissing me but in turn texted all his friends derogatory things about me that I saw over his shoulder. In another part of the country I am being told I am not welcome at a bar because it is “locals only” and that me and my friends should probably leave. Then I am out of town and being approached by multiple men wearing wedding rings who want me to openly have an affair with them. Yup you heard that correctly. Men that in one breath are showing me the background of their phone which is of their kid or kids and in another breath asking me to come back to their hotel room and in their final breath they say they totally understand if I am not comfortable doing that. These aren’t slip ups…these are men who know what they are doing. And they have no problem, guilt, or remorse doing it. They are “out of town”, it means nothing, it doesn’t count. For the record I never participated.
So if it is so geographical let me turn to dating apps which I have used just about everywhere. I travel and move around a lot throughout the year. Each place I touch down I give the apps a shot. Why not? What do I have to lose at this point? I recently opened my app Bumble and counted 113 conversations that I had going over a course of 3 years. Fun fact: I have never in my entire life met someone in person from the app Bumble. This isn’t because I wasn’t open to it or willing to. It is because not a single person expressed that they wanted to meet me in person. Not for a date, a dinner, coffee, ice cream, nothing. NOT A SINGLE ONE. I will say though almost 80% of them would like to add me on Snapchat. I always found that strange until I recently found out why they want to communicate there of all places.
On Snapchat you primarily communicate visually, by sending photos back and forth. Photos that vanish instantly. You could screenshot the photos but you wouldn’t dare because the person on the other end would be notified in an instant that you took a screenshot. The reason the guy wants to develop this Snapchat relationship before meeting in person has two possibilities. One is they want to see that what you look like right now, right this instant and see that it matches what you look like on the profile they swiped right or said yes for. They don’t want to go through all this time, effort, and money to get you on a date only to find out that you are cat fishing them. (100 pounds heavier or don’t seem to appear to look the same as your photos). I had a guy admit to me that is the main reason he asks for Snapchat usernames. The other reason is pretty simple. They want to start a chain of sending erotic, sexual photos back and forth. Photos that vanish sort of like it never happened. Also keep in mind conversations on the app also vanish. You can have 100 conversations on Snapchat with 100 different people with no record of it.
So I recently turned to the dating app Hinge. Word on the street is the people on Hinge are a little more serious while the people on Tinder and Bumble may be more on there for a hook up and to “keep it casual” which in our generation means you are having sex with someone but have 0 commitment to and with them. Most of the men that I deem as potentials on Hinge start to converse with me and “pretend to get to know me”. They butter me up and ask where I am from, what I do, and then they GO IN and ask the question “So what are you looking for on here?” Excuse me? Last time I checked you matched with me and we are on a DATING APP. It is sort of insane to me that I have to clarify that I am on here to date and get to know people until I feel I have found the person I am most compatible with.
I responded to a particular guy and told him I wasn't on there for any reason specifically (just to see where this was going) and his response was: “Would you be cool with being FWB?” That is Friends With Benefits in case you didn’t know. Again having sex with someone from time to time with no actual commitment to each other. Just sex after a night out and some drunk texting and then we both go about our lives like it never happened until it happens again and again and that is all it will ever be because you can’t catch feelings for your FWB. They actually aren’t even a friend. They don’t care about you. They care about hooking up with you. If you catch feelings for them they will drop you like a fly, block, ghost, make you out to be crazy, etc. I guess you can say I was someone’s FWB once upon a time it just took me a very long time to finally conclude this person was never my friend and that the person never cared about me.
Back to the person who made it clear after 30 minutes of getting to know me that he was looking for a FWB on Hinge because he was so busy with his career, recently out of a serious relationship, and wants no commitments right now. He suggests meeting up at his place to watch a movie, cuddle, and take it from there. Allow me to translate. He wants me to come over, he doesn’t want to watch a movie, he wants to cuddle meaning he wants to get close enough to me so that he can make a move and cut straight to the chase and hook up with me as a movie plays in the background. So romantic. If I said yes to this every time I was asked there would be about 2,000 movies on Netflix that I would have never seen.
For me personally I meet guys that I like… not very often but when I do I really do like them. I am so interested. However, I tend to fall for the ones who can’t even commit to a dinner plan let alone a committed relationship where we communicate, plan, go places together, hook up exclusively with each other, tell each other everything, and support each other’s goals and dreams. I am what my generation now refers to as “old school”. I want to be taken on the date and I want to get to know the person face-to-face in real life situations. I have had guys get genuinely angry with me for not wanting to give them my Snapchat or Instagram after matching or even meeting in person. To me that takes away from getting to know each other. Not that I have anything to hide on my social media. HELLO I clearly don’t I have a blog where I share everything. I just want to build and grow a real, true relationship. Also it is hard to pickup on emotions and demeanor when you are hiding behind a screen. If I wanted to live in this virtual world and date someone through a screen I would just go play SIMS on my desktop computer from high school.
If you want the truth about how I feel being single for a decade here it is...
Yes, at times it can be lonely…absolutely! We are humans. It is human nature to yearn for companionship and want to find someone to procreate with. There have been so many instances over the years in which I wished I had a companion to share a moment with, an experience with, or travel somewhere with. I have been places in the world and have said to myself this would be such an incredible experience to share with a significant other. With that being said I want to be with someone, but I don’t need to be with someone. Being single for a decade is enough proof that I can survive and make it on my own. I am a GOD DAM INDEPENDENT WOMAN! I don’t need to be taken care of by anyone. Yes I want to share my life with someone but I don’t want their life to become mine and I don’t want to give anyone control over my life. Some may say I am looking for something way too specific but for me I am looking for someone who is excited to be with me and who loves me for me and doesn’t expect me to be someone else or change for them.
I don’t need to be told I am a catch. I know the qualities I have and I know the love I am capable of giving and more often than not it scares people away. In a world where everything can happen in an instant here I am willing to be patient and take the time to find the right person who in return will take the time to get to know me and who will respect me and be honest with me.
For all of those who are reading this that are single realize you aren’t alone and believe that when the time is right it is going to be the most incredible time of your life because you will be so deserving of it! For all you Fuckboys reading this I guess you found my blog and nothing has changed. I still am not interested in being one of many women who are on your roster/rotation. For those of you reading this who took a pass on me or weren’t willing to commit to me I can honestly say I feel you are missing out on an amazing person and one day you will see it was your loss. And for those of you in loving, real, committed relationships I am always openly interviewing for wing men and women! Hook a sista up!
Cheers to being single for a decade and ready for the ONE!